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Domestic Violence:
Through the Eyes of a Child
The domestic violence movement has become increasingly
aware of the devastating impact of domestic
violence on children’s lives. Over three
million children in the United States are exposed
to parental violence each year. Whether or not
children actually witness the violence, they
are now considered to be victims of this epidemic.
As they grow and develop, children form assumptions
about the world in which they live. Is their
world consistent and predictable or chaotic
and unsafe? Will their parents be able to keep
them safe and protected? Exposure to domestic
violence creates inordinate stresses in a child’s
life.
In addition to the trauma of knowing that one
parent hurts another “on purpose,”
children in homes where domestic violence occurs
are 15 times more likely to experience child
abuse than children in non-violent homes. Instead
of becoming used to regular routines in a safe
environment, children enter an environment filled
with stress and tension.
The Early Years
From the time children are conceived, they
become intimately connected with and affected
by domestic violence directed at their mothers.
Violence tends to increase during pregnancy,
which in turn contributes to an increased rate
of miscarriage. Infants often develop an intense
fear of adults, lose their appetite and scream
incessantly. Unfortunately, these behaviors
create more strain for families that are already
over-stressed.
Acting Out
Sharon is four years old. She has trouble
focusing at school and often hits other children
in her class...
Every child responds differently to witnessing
or directly experiencing domestic violence,
depending on his or her temperament, usual coping
mechanisms, developmental stage and support
systems. Some children may respond with internalized
symptoms such as regression and social isolation.
Others may develop externalized negative behaviors
that includes nightmares, hyperactivity, aggression
and delinquency.
Research about children of various ages has
found that from 50 to 70 per cent of children
exposed to domestic violence suffer from Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder at a higher rate than
either Vietnam Veterans or rape victims. Violence
puts them at significantly higher risk for behaviors
ranging from extreme withdrawal to hyperactivity
and for consequences ranging from school failure
to suicide and criminal behavior.
Anger
Jeff is thirteen. He has lived with his
mother and father his entire life. He loves
both his parents but feels angry with his Dad
for hitting his Mom and angry at his Mom for
not protecting herself. Over the last few years,
Jeff has begun to take the situation into his
own hands, vowing to stop his Dad from ever
hurting his Mom again.
Mothers in violent relationships are often
unable to protect their children from their
batterers, who may threaten children’s
physical safety in order to control her behavior.
The violence takes a mother away from her children,
both physically and emotionally. Ironically,
mothers often stay in violent relationships
so that their children can maintain their relationship
with the second parent (father/partner). Children
are often literally “caught in the crossfire”
and may be injured when an object is thrown
or when they try to protect their mother.
Shame
Nina is nine. She is well-behaved and performs
well in school, but has made up elaborate lies
about her happy family. Her shame prevents her
from ever having friends over.
As children age, they feel increasingly responsible
for the violence in their homes. A school-aged
child often feels caught between love for the
father and desire to protect the mother. Shame
becomes a dominant theme. Children become increasingly
isolated from their peers as they act out in
school and cease to invite friends home. As
children grow into teens they develop higher
levels of delinquency and violent behavior than
those in non-violent homes.
The Perfectionist
“If only I did better in school...”
On the other hand, a child may become intensely
perfectionist, believing that he will be able
to make things better between his parents if
only he is “good enough.” Children
who follow this path tend to do well in school
and consequently are not identified by teachers
as needing help or support. Without outside
support children continue these patterns and
are at a higher risk for suicide and other self-destructive
behaviors.
Dating
Joshua is fifteen. He hates his father
and vowed that he would never treat women the
way that his father treats his mother. He recently
began dating a girl in his class. He has found
himself becoming increasingly jealous of time
she spends with her friends and last week he
hit her ...
As teens explore romantic relationships, the
relational patterns they have learned at home,
based on control and dominance rather than respect
and equality, often affect their expectations
of romantic partners. But with intervention,
the cycle of violence can be interrupted.
Breaking the Cycle
While the picture for children exposed to domestic
violence may at first appear dismal, Support
Network staff and volunteers bear witness daily
to the incredible resilience of children. The
most critical factor in determining whether
a child will be able to overcome the devastating
impact of growing up exposed to domestic violence
is the existence of a consistent and supportive
relationship in their lives, often with a teacher,
counselor, or extended family member.
When we work with children at the Support Network
we help them identify and build upon their strengths,
while at the same time developing supportive
relationships. We provide both individual and
group counseling, including psycho-educational
groups for 5 to 8- year-olds and 9 to 12-year-olds.
Being a part of these groups is often the first
opportunity children have to share their experiences
with children their own age. The children learn
to support each other and themselves. We hear
again and again how participation in our groups
transforms children’s lives.
Finally, our consistent support of mothers
constitutes an essential intervention in the
lives of children. Empowering mothers to be
able to make positive changes in their lives
and supporting their healing process is one
of the most important keys to helping children
heal and to break the intergenerational cycle
of violence. As children begin to express their
feelings and to understand the causes and effects
of their behavior, they are able to begin changing
the patterns in their lives.
Every member of our community has opportunities
to support children living in violent homes.
Reaching out to a neighbor’s child, volunteering
time to work on our crisis line or with children,
and talking to others about the effects of domestic
violence on children all help to interrupt the
cycle of violence and promote prevention and
healing.
Children and Domestic Violence: The
Facts
Children in homes where domestic violence
occurs are 15 times more likely to experience
child abuse than children in non-violent homes.
50 to 70 per cent of children exposed
to domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder, a higher rate than either
Vietnam Veterans or rape victims.
Violence tends to increase during pregnancy,
resulting in an increased rate of miscarriage.
As children grow into teens they exhibit higher
levels of delinquency and violent behavior
than those in non-violent homes
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